Now I'm working on a poem performance for an upcoming TEDxUVU talk.
I'm going to read this poem to my classes tomorrow and gather feedback. I need to send my final draft to UVU tomorrow (Wednesday). And then I need to memorize the poem for the performance (next Wednesday).
Lifeguards
In 1st grade, I was waving. [wave]
In 2nd grade, I was waving. [wave]
In 3rd grade, I was drowning. [wave]
In 6th grade, I was waving again. [wave]
In 9th grade, drowning. [wave]
10th grade, drowning. [wave]
11th grade, drowning. [wave]
12th grade, drowning. [wave]
I didn't become a teacher because I loved high school.
I did it for the money, money, money. [wave, wave, wave]
When I was 12 years old, my mother went to
see a fortune teller. The lady told my mom that one day I would pull a
drowning boy from water and that I would spend the rest of my life
trying to save people.
I thought about becoming a lifeguard, butI'm afraid of sharks and I look weird with my shirt off.
So I wear sweater vests to work
and when I see young people waving in the halls,
I look twice to make sure they're not drowning.
Sometimes fortune tellers get it right.And sometimes they don't.
You know what. Excuse me, sir. Would you put your phone away, please? I asked you to hold all questions until the end. No, you may not use the bathroom. Don't make me call home. Pay attention, follow along. Don't clean up while I'm talking. The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do. You, in the back, get your head up. No, you may NOT use the bathroom. Don't make me repeat myself. Don't make me repeat myself.
(Sigh) Maybe I should've become a lifeguard. Maybe I did.
I mean, yeah, we work opposite seasons. But we have more in common than you think.
I thought about becoming a lifeguard, but
So I wear sweater vests to work
and when I see young people waving in the halls,
I look twice to make sure they're not drowning.
Sometimes fortune tellers get it right.
You know what. Excuse me, sir. Would you put your phone away, please? I asked you to hold all questions until the end. No, you may not use the bathroom. Don't make me call home. Pay attention, follow along. Don't clean up while I'm talking. The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do. You, in the back, get your head up. No, you may NOT use the bathroom. Don't make me repeat myself. Don't make me repeat myself.
(Sigh) Maybe I should've become a lifeguard. Maybe I did.
I mean, yeah, we work opposite seasons. But we have more in common than you think.
Lifeguards and teachers. We
got into it for the right reasons. For the children. For the summers. Parents rely on us and
teenagers ignore us. We both have big plans. We're going to save up to
buy a car, we're going to save the world. We were both going to save the world. But we spent more time blowing
our whistles, telling kids to stop running, than we ever did diving in
and saving people.
We make less than we should, and everyone thinks we have it easy. Each August adds another five years to our faces.
But we're not the only ones. No matter what you choose to do with your life, it probably won't go as planned. Lawyers got into it to find the truth, but they're too busy looking for technicalities. Doctors got into it to heal people, but they're too busy checking insurance cards. Police Officers got into it for the chase, but they're too busy filling out paperwork.
We'll spend the next offseason wondering if we're doing what we're supposed to.Then some random Tuesday, a kid with a shaved head will wave to us, and we'll decide to do it all over again.
We make less than we should, and everyone thinks we have it easy. Each August adds another five years to our faces.
But we're not the only ones. No matter what you choose to do with your life, it probably won't go as planned. Lawyers got into it to find the truth, but they're too busy looking for technicalities. Doctors got into it to heal people, but they're too busy checking insurance cards. Police Officers got into it for the chase, but they're too busy filling out paperwork.
We'll spend the next offseason wondering if we're doing what we're supposed to.Then some random Tuesday, a kid with a shaved head will wave to us, and we'll decide to do it all over again.
Feedback is appreciated. What changes should I make? What parts don't really make sense? What parts don't work for you?
ReplyDeleteI like the waving thing at the beginning, I think you should find a way to wave at the end with the last line. (I know you mention it, but I mean actually waving. Idk.)
ReplyDeleteTeachers are lifeguards. I really love that idea, I think you're talking about all the right things. I also like the part about other professions, but it doesn't really fit? I think it takes away from the end.
Also during the first part its all, "I wear sweater vests to work" and the last part is all, "we're not the only ones." Not saying you need to change that, just saying its there.
Also a little unclear on how the waving relates to drowning. I get the metaphorical connection, but not the literal one, if this is about lifeguards and teachers. There doesn't have to be one, but yeah. Maybe breathing. "I was breathing... I was drowning." Except I like the waving. Aaah.
Anyway, That's my feedback. Except I totally loved it.
"Each august adds another 5 years to our faces, and each july adds another 5 to theirs." What happens to the drowning ones?
DeleteA little confused on the crossed out lines- are you considering cutting them out?
ReplyDeleteRead this out loud to a friends she said it was incredible.
I agree.
Maybe preform it in class again tomorrow so we can hear how you want to read it and give better feedback.
God, I wouldn't change a thing. Of course it always looks different than it sounds, but that's expected. Maybe find some way to do the unexpected.
ReplyDeleteI love the crossed out parts because they're crossed out. I'm not sure how you'd perform them out loud and still let your audience know that they're "crossed out", but I hope you don't just take them out I guess. But that's just me.
ReplyDelete2nd to last paragraph hit me hard, don't let any of that get crossed out is what I'd personally hope.
DeleteI accidentally walked out of class with my note card, but:
ReplyDelete-maybe play with speeding up/slowing down different parts when you're talking about the different grades--add emphasis
-I like the Adding five years to our faces line... Maybe expand on that idea?? but still keeping it abstract
-I really like this whole lifeguard idea. My favorite line was the part about blowing whistles & diving in.
Performance notes from my CW2 class:
ReplyDeletemore crescendo and building,
probably (fluctuate your voice)
money (whisper)
money (go gangster)
money (don't wave)
Pause after first Don't make me repeat myself.
Lifeguards and teachers (SLOW)
YELL, FASTER during the teacher lecture part
Little pause before MAYBE I DID.
Rub face (Each August adds another 5 years...)
12th grade (PAUSE) drowning (quietly) - this was mine, but I just thought of it.
Pause before August
Add another 'Lifeguards and Teachers' after "teenagers ignore us."
I just read this and your first draft for the first time a few days ago. I've been thinking about this for the last few days and I'm just going to say it. I don't like the lifeguard comparison for several reasons. You can save them once or twice, but kids are going to get into deep water again when you're no longer there to save them. And they still don't know how to swim. But I think this class at least starts the process of kids starting to learn on their own how to "swim," how to face their fears.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you can start with the lifeguard comparison and then move on to how you're the lifeguard and the swim teacher? I don't know.
It's still great. I want to visit sometime in May, so be prepared. :) I hope you save more kids who pull a Britney Spears and shave their heads. You could be talking about saving some of your students with cancer. But I will take credit as a saved and reformed past bald student.
I don't know enough to tell you what to change. I think it's really good.
ReplyDelete2 enthusiastic thumbs up