I took my contacts out, I set my alarm, I got ready.
Then Twitter delivered bad news again. Bad news, bad news. It's all we seem to get anymore even though we tried to cancel our subscription 5 years ago.
No matter how many times it happens, you're never ready.
Never ready.
Why Lone Peak?
whylonepeakwhylonepeakwhylonepeakwhylonepeak
I shouldn't be up this late. I shouldn't be down on the couch. I'm 35 years old, I shouldn't be crying. I shouldn't be writing. If anything, I should be coming up with a new lesson for tomorrow. Because we definitely can't talk about dancing and how it relates to writing. And we definitely can't have our Oscars party.
And I wonder if I can smile, if I can say anything, if I can read another letter, if I will ever take roll again, if I should cancel all assignments from here on out. But teaching is the last thing on my mind.
It's midnight.
Everyone's awake right now trying to figure out if it's their fault.
Maybe it's my fault.
I don't blame you for keeping your son home from school tomorrow. And the next day and the next day. I can't imagine what parents must be thinking. What's in the water, what's in the library, what's in the hallways.
I don't know the answer, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to every student I don't know. I'm sorry for helping make a video called "We See You" and pretending that it meant something to everyone. I'm sorry for dress codes and expectations and stereotypes. I'm sorry for every time I locked my door during lunch because I wanted to eat lunch by myself. I'm sorry for Be the Change and the Tip Line and every assembly we've ever had. I'm sorry for having my sophomores read a book about a sad girl. I'm sorry for having my seniors write about death. I don't need to assign that topic ever again.
I'm sorry dear. I'm sorry that I asked you if you were awake and then told you the bad news. I should've let you sleep.
I'm sorry for spending 30 minutes in each of my classes today talking about sadness and how do we make things better and depression and how do we make things better and suicide and how do we make things better. If we did that today, what are we supposed to do tomorrow?
Maybe it's not my job to talk about these things. I am an English teacher. It is my job to prepare students for SAGE tests and make sure they know how to use semicolons and verbs. Semicolons and verbs, I am not a counselor. Semicolons and verbs, I am not a bishop. I am not qualified.
I'm sorry for 2008. I was offered a job at Hunter High School in West Valley the same weekend I was offered a job at Lone Peak in Highland. My first instinct was to choose the west side school, because that's where I was told the good teachers were needed. Those west side students needed to be saved. Those east side students would be just fine in spite of their teachers.
Most of them are.
But I've learned that we all need to be saved.
I love you. You're my student, I love you. You sit in my class and you never say anything, I love you. You raise your hand every time I ask a question, I love you. You're a stranger who's just trying to figure out what's going on up at that rich school, I love you. We're all trying to figure it out. You're a parent who thinks it's my fault, I love you. I know you just care about your daughter and you want answers. You want something to be done. You're my wife trying to sleep upstairs, I love you. You're my 10-year-old son asleep in his room. You have no idea what's going on and I promise I won't wake you up anytime soon. You like school, you think your teacher's nice, and you wear your heart on your sleeve. I love you. I don't want you to turn 11. I don't want you to turn 12. I'm scared of everything you'll encounter as a teenager.
Dear everyone in the whole world I've ever met and ever will meet,
Don't kill yourself. I love you.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Tomorrow was supposed to be just another day. But now it's 1am and tomorrow is today.
With a heavy heart,
Kyle Nelson
Thank you mr nelson. lone peak needed you a lot more than any hunter high student.
ReplyDeleteAgreed.
DeleteWe are so lucky to have a teacher like you at Lone Peak
DeleteSo so very lucky. You're the person we all come to, to look for inspiration and comfort. You don't have to try and you give it. Because you're not just a teacher Nelson. Never to any of us were you just a teacher.
DeleteThanks this helps.
"i'm sorry for every time I locked my door during lunch because i wanted to eat lunch by myself."
ReplyDelete"i love you."
that top line really spoke to me because last year i was that kid who sat in your office during lunch. and when your door was shut i always knew that there was a good reason behind it. we all need time to ourselves. so don't beat yourself up over that please, because i always knew your door would be open again.
i love you too.
-sarah
I really needed some words tonight. Thank you for this
ReplyDeleteThanks Nelson.
ReplyDeleteThank you
ReplyDeleteThank you.
ReplyDeleteYou help so many people. I'm glad you're here.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why but I'm reading this in math and I'm nearly crying. Nelson, you help. You save us every day, I know because I'm one of them. You're my teacher, I love you. (In a totally normal, teacher/student way of course.)
ReplyDeleteBut you can't save everyone. None of us can.
I don't know. I'm just feeling a lot of things today.
:/ you've written a lot of great stuff, but this is honestly the best thing you have ever written. I love you (that was weird lets just both agree ok cool I don't care) thank you
ReplyDeleteI only came to your class today because I needed to feel something. And I knew I would. And I did.
ReplyDeleteThank you for choosing lone peak.
Thank you Nelson.
ReplyDeleteWe need you.
The 'I love you' part of was really powerful. You're an amazing teacher Nelson.
Thank you
creative writing felt so safe compared to any of my other classes today. and i think you reading this had a lot to do with that. thank you for understanding, thank you for helping, thank you.
ReplyDelete"I don't want you to turn 11. I don't want you to turn 12. I'm scared of everything you'll encounter as a teenager."
ReplyDeleteThat's when I broke down in tears. Thanks for making a safe haven today and enabling us to feel things other classrooms will never feel.
Nelson your class was the only class that mattered today
ReplyDeletethank you for making a place where we can feel safe and loved and heard
and this poem had me sobbing like a newborn child FYI
thanks for everything you do for us
I look at all the creative writing blogs when I am supposed to be writing a paper to get into "writing mode." At least that's what I pretend. It's just an excuse to read these blogs for hours and count it as homework.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't know what's going on at Lone Peak right now, but I am sorry for whatever happened. Thank you for writing this. Also, I want to thank you for taking part in saving my life. You showed me how to write what I felt when I was numb and couldn't feel anything. And writing like that saved my life. It saves my life everyday. Writing like that changed my life. It changes my life everyday.
Thank you for this. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYour A4 class was the class I really wanted to go to. I miss A4 and all the good talks our class had last semester. As I sat in my English A4 class today I kept thinking if only I was in A4 with Nelson. My favorite class. You are the reason I keep striving and trying for my dreams. Thank you.
ReplyDelete" I'm sorry for every time I locked my door during lunch because I wanted to eat lunch by myself."
I'm sorry every day I drive home for lunch and I was mostly all the time late to creative writing. Honestly though I came back every A day for your class. Your thee best thank you. All your classes should be greatful even the tourists..
Thank you for caring Nelson. I miss feeling safe and important in your class, but I still find that "safe zone" in your words. Thank you for everything ❤
ReplyDeleteYou showed me the power of words... you still are. thank you. Sometimes i wish words would just fix everything and i know they cant but somehow they help a lot, so Nelson thanks for this and for teaching here and for reminding me to write. We know you care and it helps me at least. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm crying and I'm a few days late on feeling but here I am. Thank you, Nelson.
ReplyDeleteIs it possible to re-read this too many times?
ReplyDeleteThis left me speechless. Thank you for writing this, thank you for sharing it in class, thank you for being such an amazing teacher.
"pretending it meant something to everyone". I guess this was the part that hit me hardest because it did mean something, to me at least. Not just the video. Your teaching, the poems we wrote,having the courage to stand up and read them, etc. etc. etc. It all meant something and I wasn't pretending, and I know you weren't, but the line still hit me hard. Thanks for your hugs, for introducing me to my love of writing, for caring. Thanks for choosing Lone Peak is what I'm trying to say I guess.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nelson
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say my favorite thing about High school was your class. Maybe because it was the only class I felt like I couldn't use the phrase, "When am I ever going to need to know this?" because you taught us so much more than things taught in a classroom. I don't miss high school, but I sure miss having a teacher who made their lessons applicable to life, and the things we were facing and would face in the future. I think many students including myself will love you for not only how much you genuinely care about students, but for the way you've taught us to put our hearts on paper and make sense of the world. I have yet to find a teacher at Utah State that is willing to do that. Thank you for the best part of high school.
ReplyDeletethis is deep, i cant even pretend to understand this whole post. but i want to say thanks for choosing the job at lone peak in 2008. you may think you haven't made a difference but you have. I loved having you as my teacher this year, my first year in high school. I loved that you listent to the same rap i do, biggie, tupac, nas, rakim. and im glad i took the time during the summer, where im supposed to be doing something cool every second of the day to come and look at your blog and read all the posts and watch all your videos. THanks nelson keep up the good work
ReplyDeletecrying.
ReplyDeletethank you for this, it was, no it IS great.
ReplyDeleteOf all the things I've read growing up, this is one of the ones that touched me most. It will always mean something to me I think.
ReplyDelete