things like poetry

the only thing that matters to me is poetry. not grades or math or semicolons or whatever. I don't know the capital of New Jersey and I don't even care. I don't know if New Jersey is even a state. (I just looked it up and it is.) all i care about is poetry. I don't care about punctuation or capitalization. even though I keep capitalizing the letter i, maybe because i'm talking about me and I think I'm really IMPORTANT. i don't care about you. at least not as much as i care about me. that took a lot of honesty for me to say and i'm really proud of myself right now.

i don't care about censoring myself right now. i want to drop an f. but i won't right now. cuz i love my family and i want to keep our house right now. i know i keep saying right now right now but i don't really care right now what i write right now cuz right now i'm just repeating words that sound the same and i'm not really saying anything.

i don't care about not using double negatives. the only thing that matters to me is poetry.

and i'm not even talking about poetry like poems. i'm talking about poetry like truth and beauty and love. i'm talking about when Mr. Fox asks why there are so many hookers and saints in one city. cause that's poetry and that's all that really matters.

why do i need to take statistics? why do i need to complete my generals? what the H is a general education? the only thing that matters to me is poetry. not conversations or eye contact or mowing the lawn or taking roll or standing up for the pledge or not dancing whenever i feel like it. i don't know why everyone hates obama so much and i love the house dressing at Cafe Rio but the only thing that really matters to me is poetry.

i think i could kill someone. if i was really mad. and hopeless. and some other things would have to happen but i think i could do it.

if my dad's reading this right now, i just want to say i love you and i'm sorry and i'm not really as pissed off at you as i seem and do you want to come over for dinner sometime? i think i'm ready to forget. i know you're gonna die one day and i can't forget that.

Fears

I'm afraid of everything.

Like what if after we die, that's it. Nothing. It's just over. Or even worse, what if after we die, we live forever. I mean, like, forever. Eternity. It just keeps going and going and going and going...

and going. And going. And going.

I think I need an aspirin. But only one this time.

Even though I don't understand how my heart works, I know that it beats without my help. I'm afraid that if I ignore it, one day it might stop altogether.

I'm afraid of spiders. I'm afraid of them crawling and having babies. I'm afraid of them under my covers and in the shower. Afraid of smashing them. Of smashing one of them and she's pregnant and baby spiders everywhere.

But I'm not afraid of anything. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and I'm comfortable.

My skin is just the right size

and I may not be at peace,

but it's so close I can feel it.

I'm scared of you. I'm scared of everything you'll never be and everything you could be. I'm afraid of potential, which physics taught me is the charge in an electromagnetic field, but life taught me is the root of all sadness. I'm afraid of what could have been.

I can listen to music with my eyes closed. And if I concentrate hard enough, I can predict my own heart beat. I stay up at night and wonder if this is as good as it gets.